Crying in the Bathroom

Crying in the Bathroomreframing emotional expression(image from pexels.com) A number of years ago, I attended a Women in Tech Regatta conference. One of the panel discussions was Crying in the Bathroom. An unusual topic, I thought - or was it? I know I’ve shed bathroom tears more than once. A Forbes survey found 41% of people have cried at work, 9% of these were men. Honestly, I would have thought the number to be even higher. When asked, every woman who attended that panel discussion raised their hand. Every woman I know has done it. Googling ‘crying in the bathroom’ brought up a number of very interesting results. Everything from a list of tips on how to cover up the fact you’ve been doing it, to why it's inappropriate, to it being some universal safe space, and everything in between. I remember I rushed to the work bathroom when I received a message about a tragic death in my family. I have also escaped to those hallowed tiled walls when I was so angry and embarrassed by yet another misogynistic comment made during a meeting when I was the only woman present. I have also taken solace there trying to regroup after one more passive aggressive comment about my passion during a brainstorming discussion. At other times, I just feel overwhelmed and in need of a release. It can be cathartic, and simply what is needed.At the recent California Conference for Women, Brené Brown talked about being ‘blown’. The term is used in the restaurant business referring to when someone is overwhelmed meaning their nervous system and psyche can’t keep up with what is happening. When overwhelmed, the only thing to do is step away and do nothing for a short time. The ‘nothing’ allows the body to reset and eventually return to the task at hand. Interesting. Escaping to the bathroom is actually a healthy thing. The Forbes article adds some additional color, listing three myths which are each dispelled (thankfully):

• Women do it because they are more sensitive
• Crying makes you look weak and hurts your professional reputation
• It derails productivity and is bad for work dynamics

The article says these are NOT true. So, why do women believe these statements as truths? Why do we feel shameful and inadequate when we find ourselves in a stall hoping no one notices?For many years certain management philosophies operated with the idea that work should be devoid of emotions. Emotions get in the way of rationality and productivity. The expression of emotions at work makes people uncomfortable, specifically crying.But like it or not, we are human and have emotions. They are our natural Geiger counter. They are guide rails helping us navigate or become aware of something in our environment. Brené Brown, an American researcher who studies shame, vulnerability, and leadership, says emotions are called feelings because we feel them in our bodies. New research on leadership has shown the ability to express emotions is vitally important at work. It affects everything from our ability to learn, make rational decisions, be creative, and impact our level of performance. Stifling our emotions makes us less effective at work.In her work at Wharton University, business theorist and researcher, Sigal Barsade found that an organization’s emotional culture impacted the employees’ levels of engagement, teamwork, and satisfaction. It also decreased absenteeism while increasing job satisfaction, commitment to the organization, and personal accountability.More important, the contagion factor of emotions extended all the way to an organization’s customers. That’s right, emotions are like a virus. They are contagious. Kind of like a cold. If you ignore it and go to work anyway, you make others sick as well.So what is wrong with crying in the bathroom? What is wrong with expressing emotions at work? Everything indicates absolutely nothing! In fact, healthy expression of emotions is beneficial.As part of that Crying in the Bathroom discussion mentioned at the beginning, we broke into small groups. Our task was to discuss these phenomena and how we approached them as leaders. One woman spoke up about the demands of management and how it frustrated her when team members would come to her in distress. She needed to finish that budget report - that was the priority.As I listened to her story I could empathize with the conflict she felt. I’d felt that conflict myself. But at the same time, the author and inspirational speaker, Simon Sinek’s leadership definition rang in my ears. “Leadership is not about being in charge; it’s about taking care of the people in our charge.” On top of that, Brené Brown, in Dare to Lead, indicates leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to the fears and feelings of their teams or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behaviors. Further, in her Unlocking Us podcast, she interviews Marc Brackett discussing his book Permission to Feel. He states that what we experience is the feeling. Emotion is the root, which is not meant to be stuffed down or ignored. Emotions are meant to be examined and appropriate action taken. Dealing with the emotions of others is hard. Dealing with how people feel takes time, sometimes a lot of time. As a leader, you must stop what you are doing, listen, really listen, and take action. However, if taking care of those in our charge is the definition of leadership then helping others process their emotions must be a priority.Perhaps this means establishing the culture of acceptance of emotional expression, like understanding a cathartic cry in the bathroom is nothing to feel ashamed of or taking time to help our team members put the appropriate vocabulary to their emotions.‘Name it to tame it’ (Dan Siegel) might be one of the most important tasks we have as leaders. This is all about putting the appropriate vocabulary to emotions. For example, are we crying out of feeling fear, overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, or shame. Putting the right vocabulary to the feeling is the most effective way to calm the brain and restore cognitive functions. This might be exactly where women can turn the whole ‘women are more emotional’ statement on its head and shine as leaders. Working on our emotional literacy and helping others express theirs creates a team of acceptance and connection where productivity and creativity can flourish. Create a team culture where the expression of emotions is okay and in fact encouraged. Be willing to be vulnerable and show the team your own emotions. Take the time and listen. And, foster the perspective that, when needed, there is no shame in taking time to cry in the bathroom.(Want to work on your emotional vocabulary? Atlas of the Heart is a great resource for understanding specific emotions, their nuances, and establishing strategies for dealing with them.)  Author Bio Alann Demeester is originally from the prairie province of Saskatchewan, Canada and currently resides in the Vancouver region. She received her advanced bachelor’s degree in psychology with a minor in biology in 1988 and has worked in the technology industry since 1999. She currently works as the Director of Global Enablement at Elastic Path Software, Inc. An adventurer at heart, she is passionate about the role women play in creating a new paradigm of leadership by walking through vulnerability to get to courage. She is excited about sharing teachings, insights, and experiences by leaders in this area like Brene Brown in this blog series in the hopes that it will inspire you in your own leadership journey.