Crossroads of an early-stage investigator: Choosing between career and well being
Courage Campaign: Women's Stories of Survival and Speaking Out Against Oppression
The following is a story from a member of the WIS PDX community:
CW: mention of gender-based discrimination and harassment.
From as early as high school, I always had the dream of running my own research program and becoming a PI. This pushed me to pursue a PhD right out of undergrad, a feat some thought I couldn’t do because I was “too young” or “wouldn’t stick with it”. I even got waitlisted from my top choice PhD program for these reasons. But I succeeded through determination and my passion for science and continued on to a postdoc position.
During the first couple of months of my postdoc, I tried to provide advice on protocols and experiments based on my expertise in grad school, but my suggestions were shot down by my manager. I figured it was just because I was new to the lab and didn’t know yet the ways in which things were done. However, I continued to be criticized publicly on various communication channels within the lab. I again brushed this off and tried to do my best to correct my “mistakes”. I was reprimanded for taking certain days off, including holidays, and not putting in 60 hours a week, even though my projects were on track, while others in the lab were rewarded for working overtime and not taking any breaks. We were told that we must be reachable even on our days off in case a problem arose or to provide data as necessary. I again attributed this to the demands of our high priority projects. I was guilted by my manager who would tell me they hadn’t had a vacation in which they weren’t working. From then on, I made sure my manager and PI knew how much time I was working. I even made a spreadsheet of the hours I worked, even though postdocs didn’t have to record their timesheets.
I was reprimanded for taking certain days off, including holidays, and not putting in 60 hours a week, even though my projects were on track, while others in the lab were rewarded for working overtime and not taking any breaks.
Each month I would have a one hour meeting with my PI to discuss project updates, new data, and career goals. One particular meeting I was ready to present new data on my main project, but my PI took the meeting in a different direction. He started the meeting by telling me he wanted to make sure I knew what it took to become a PI. He continued by saying that there would be sacrifices necessary for becoming a PI and a lot of hours involved. He proceeded to ask me if I wanted children. I was quite shocked by the question because we didn’t have the type of relationship to talk about our personal lives with each other. I didn’t know whether this was an appropriate question for my supervisor to ask. I answered anyway, mainly out of confusion for how the conversation turned. His response to my answer of wanting children was that women have a lot more responsibilities when it comes to taking care of a family and that I should consider this for my future goals. He continued the conversation by talking about a female PI who isn’t married because work is her sole priority and discussed how he also didn’t get to see his children much when he was first starting his career. He made it sound as if it was a choice between my career and having children.
During the conversation, my PI also asked me if science was my entire life and speculated that I didn't think about research 24/7, mainly out of my comments expressing the need to take care of my work-life balance. In addition, he claimed that the average age for someone to receive their first R01 is 40, so as a young postdoc (at age 29) I have a long way to go before I receive solid funding. So what is someone supposed to do for the next ten years if they’re not “old enough” to secure funding? After all that was said, he told me it would be ok to be a staff scientist and pushed me to consider other career options.
This conversation left me defeated to think that the person I looked up to didn’t believe in my career aspirations. I lost a lot of confidence in myself, questioned my work ethic, and questioned what I wanted to do with my life. I continued to question the appropriateness of this question and whether it constituted as a sexist comment. Even after this conversation, my manager accused me of plagiarism and of putting in bare minimum work on a publication. I even had to prove that I read the publications I was referencing in the manuscript. They threatened retraction of the publication after it had already been submitted, but in the end the accusation was merely supposed to be a “teaching lesson” for me. I feared going into the lab every day out of fear of being reprimanded and the constant stress of the toxic environment. I developed severe anxiety and depression that started to affect my personal life and those around me. These events ultimately pushed me out of the lab.
As an early-stage investigator, we are so dependent on our mentors for our future success. We’re at a point in our career where we’re trying to make a name for ourselves and that leads us to put up with any treatment, no matter how detrimental it is. I questioned whether to stay in a toxic environment for the benefit of my career but at the cost of my mental health. I don’t want to give up my dream of staying in academia just yet, but ultimately that is my decision, and my decision alone. No one else can make that decision for me.
I don’t want to give up my dream of staying in academia just yet, but ultimately that is my decision, and my decision alone. No one else can make that decision for me.
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This story was shared with us anonymously as part of the WIS PDX Courage Campaign, which is meant to build support for survivors and to spread awareness of the effects of gender-based discrimination, harassment, and assault in STEM. We empower women to share their stories and speak their truth.
If you would like to participate by submitting your experience to WIS-PDX anonymously, please click the button below. With each submitter’s consent, WIS-PDX will compile these stories to share with the community and any other party to make sure they are heard. We recognize that recounting these events can be traumatic. We want to offer support to any individual who needs it through this process. You are not alone and you do not have to traverse this alone.
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